Thursday, January 17, 2008

In only a couple hours I will be getting a Hollywood bikini wax.  I will have even less hair than the ladies you see above.

I'm getting it all off.  For fun.  I figure girls should mix it up once in a while.  Let the bitch grow out, then rip it off, sometimes totally, sometimes a little, grow it out again, then rip it all off again.  Keep him guessing I say, no one wants boring pussy.

Anyways - I'm getting it done at HQhair, (as seen on various channel 4 programs like How to Look Good Naked!) and as you will see if you look at their price list, they offer Brazilian and Hollywood waxes.  The Hollywood is £10 more than the Brazilian.  I wondered what the big diff was as I've always been somewhat confused about this and there are disparate opinions on the topic.  There is a school which believes  a  Brazilian is "everything" off; there are others that think Hollywood is "everything off" and Brazil is "nearly everything off, leaving a landing strip".  It's confusing arena; 5 years ago there was only regular bikini wax and the Brazilian, brought to fame by good ole Sex and the City.  But then this Hollywood shit came along and everything got hella confusing. 

I looked around on SEVERAL websites for clarity and I tell you, it is not easy to find out what these waxes involve.  Most websites tend to go with the second definition, that Brazilian is nearly everything, Hollywood is totally everything.  But herein lies a major problem - what the fuck does "everything" mean?

On some websites "everything" means genuinely, everything.  So you are left with no hair down there, ANYWHERE down there, in the front or back.  We're talking porn star hairless.  This is normally what to expect from a Hollywod. This is what I'm getting tonight.  Other sites say "everything" and mean only everything in front, so back-door is left natural and free flowing, if you catch my drift.  
But then if Brazilian is "everything except for a landing strip" (which is how most websites describe it) which "everything" does this refer to?  Because if by "everything" they are using the first definition I gave, same as a Hollywood except leaving a landing strip, then what on earth is the extra £10 for a Hollywood for?  If the only difference is a small landing strip which could be whipped off with one strip of wax, is that really worthy of a further £10?

So, one would now assume that Brazilians don't really get rid of "everything" as they say.  But I defy you to try to find out.  The problem you will come across is the same difficulty I encountered while trying to answer this question myself over the week.  Salons refuse to define what they mean by "everything".   And the only reason I can come up with is embarrassment and prudishness.  As though we're all giggling pubescent 13 year-olds, they will continue to define wax treatments through a series of meaningless phrases like "everything" and "down there".  For christs sake, I'm an adult, they're adults, I'm about to ask them to get up close and personal with the most intimate part of my body to start ripping hair out of it and we're tip-toeing around semantics??  Just come out and say it -
inner buttocks

Is this really too hard?  Is it because we're girls we can't say these things?  I mean, they're gonna be down there anyways, can they not speak of it at least?  It's like the old saying they give to teens about sex - if you're uncomfortable discussing it, you probably shouldn't be doing it. 

And by the way if you are reading this, are over 15 and became uncomfortable with those words, you too need to grow up a little and get overs.  I just don't get it.  Boys don't have to put up with this shit, on the men's waxing menu, the option listed is "back, sac and crack"; No doubt AT ALL about what that involves.  Slightly crude I admit, but at least it's clear.  Can the same not be done for us ladies wanting to go brit-brit on our va-jayjay's?

As a result, I decided to go the whole hog and get the lot of it off.  I shall be asking them precisely the difference between the two myself tonight, perhaps to distract me from the pain.  Then I shall be heading straight to a lingerie store and trying on all manner of skimpy underwear just because I can.