Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Staycation Galore

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This has nothing to do with this post - just a random tit-flashing girl on a train.  Notice she has no bag/purse - cos with those bangers on display, she'll never need to pay for anything...

So I had a week off last month but being that we're in the middle of economic meltdown and I have zero money to my name, I was not jetting off to exotic locales anytime soon.  Rather, I engaged in the very on-trend practice of the Staycation.  Staying at home as a vacation!  What fun.  Luckily for me I live in a tourist destination, so I figured I might as well take avantage and get my tourist on.  I went to museums, art galleries, parks, restaurants etc. - but of course only the cheap ones or the ones at which I could blag membership through my work.  The key was to have as much fun as possible without any of the monetary funding one usually requires.

I also went a bit picture crazy - mostly at two of my favorite destinations from the week - Madam Tussauds (special 2-for1 offer from Walkers) and the HMS Belfast (special 2-for1 offer from National Rail).
To be brutally honest I wasn't exactly brimming with excitement over HMS Belfast - as a military kid I've sort of seen my fair share of war ships/war planes/war museums (and actual war if dad got drunk enough! ha!).  But at the same time, it sorta made me feel like a kid again and as it was a miserable day weather-wise the thing was empty which was glorious.  Turns out, I thoroughly enjoyed myself - HMS Belfast is now officially recommended by me for any vistitors to London.

Anyways - the real excitement came with the pictures of course, they really went to town with the waxworks at this place.  It took us 4 hours to get through the whole ship actually (it she has 9 decks!) and this was due in no small part to the endless picture opportunities, only some of which I've included here.  And there were hardly any other patrons when we were around, EVERYONE else you see in the pictures, aside from Tudds and I, are wax works.  It was so much fun, I can't recommend it enough as a day out.  However, be prepared - after the 4 hours deep in the stomach of this nautical beast, I was so ready to come out into air.  We both started to feel a bit of cabin fever which only served to make us all the more grateful that we'll never have to live and work in that thing.  Oh - and get the earphones thing! It's free and you learn so much more!  Remember kids - it's all about infotainment!  Funducation all around!

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As you can see, we showed our we're-really-doing-stuff-here modeling skills.
I saw a few other peeps just taking snaps of themselves next to these things.  Stood rigid and half-smiling.  I do not see the point in this, perhaps they were involved in a competition to produce the most boring holiday album of the year.  In my view if you can interact in any way with your surroundings for the picture, then you bloody well should!  What's the point of being on a war ship if you can't pretend that you're, y'know, fighting in a war!

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Here we are with our friend Nigel, he's going through a tough time so we're visiting him in the medical quarters.  We're hoping he pulls through, but dysentry sucks...

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This is how they treated the homosexuals back then, put 'em behind a sheet of plexi-glass to navigate, but don't let anyone see their dick-sucking lips....

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Okay, so this was meant to look like I was pointing at what I wanted, right?  Upon further inspection, it looks as though I'm suggesting a lewd sexual practice in lieu of payment.  For a waxwork, he looks pretty aroused...

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"...So I said, 'Lay down and take it, bitch!' and she was all, 'Oh but sir, I'm just a nurse on this ship!' and I was all, 'Well I'm the Captain ho, take the PAIN!' HAHAHAHA..."

IMG_6240 by you. 
Some people hate bad photos of themselves. Conversely, I find them hilarious.  Plus check it out - I'm beneath the water line!  Felt like I was back in New Orleans!

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Then we were on to Tussauds!  The glitz! The glamour! More wax!

Ummm, so I guess when they were making the figures for the Beatles, they couldn't get hold of the boys themselves, or any decent photographs, so they just dressed up 4 retarded transsexuals from the local loony bin, threw on some cheap wigs and went from there...

Again, what was so striking at Madame Tussauds was the amount of people who refrained from interacting with the wax figurines.  The place was crawling with foreigners, the vast majority of which were bizarrely middle-eastern, and if there's one thing I now know about middle-easterns it's this - they do NOT pose in pictures.  They take photography very seriously indeed.  Unlike Julian and I who try to have as much fun as possible!  Every waxwork is just a new oppurtunity to let laughter and/or offense ensue!

First, my favorite ever wax figurine:

Man, do I love Miley Cyrus.  I think I squealed when I saw her.  People often assume I'm being ironic when I say I think she's great.  I am not.  If I could be anyone in the world, I'd be Miley Cyrus. Fact.  Plus - check out that picture! Don't we make a super pair?!  We could so be BFF's!

So, anyone who knows me knows I've had a thing for Angelina forever.  Way before everyone else got on board with her, I was there from the start.  This shit stretches back to Foxfire and Gia, though I think Hackers is where the affair was first ignited.  Back then I was alone in my adoration.  At first, no one knew about her, then everyone thought she was "weird", then everyone thought she was a bisexual self-harmer who was "dark", then everyone thought she was a home-wrecker, now most think she's too into all that peace and humanitarian shit with all her orphans and whatnot. Through it all - I've been there Angie!  I've stuck by ya!  I think if I could look like anyone, I'd look like her; but I wouldn't have her body, for that I'd go to Kardashian, of course.  Imagine it - I'd be Miley Cyrus, with Angelina's face and Kardashian's bod.  I could rule the world.
Anyways, there was a line of guys waiting to get their picture taken with her, but when they got up there, none of them would even touch her. Not so much as an arm gently around her waist - nothing.  Perhaps they thought it was the real Jolie (hard to believe considering how little the wax representation looks like her). So I thought I'd do the dirty work for them; I tried to make a sexually grotesque face coupled with a subtly crass pose.  I feel I succeeded in both.

If only Tudds had stuck with the stand-up, this photo could be happening for real...

There are a lot of people who dislike Jim Carrey; there are even more people who dislike Jim Carrey "except for The Truman Show", even though everyone knows his greatest performance is in Liar Liar.  I belong to neither of these groups.  I think this pictures my love is pure and never-ending.

I'm pretty sure Tudds was arguing with Steven over the following picture.  Tudds insisted on doing his own stunts...:

Okay, there are several issues with this set-up, firstly that guy behind Tudds is meant to be Indiana Jones, as in Harrison Ford.  Instead, he looks more like Christopher Reeve after the accident.  Also, this must be taken from the unseen Studio-54-set addition to the Indiana Jones series, as I'm pretty sure in the original he was running away from a boulder, not a gargantuan disco ball.

Ah, Morgan Freeman.  Due to his natural gravitas and general aura of greatness he is terribly well-respected; he may be one of the most liked actors in Hollywood.  But we thought it'd be funny to treat him like a cunt.  Morgan Freeman is a cunt. <---catchphrase of 2009!

Tudds Sports Time!

Lance has never looked more cancer-ridden athletic!

Dude, Tiger is SO checking out his Wood. (sorry)

Then we finally arrive at what is, in my humble opinion, the best part of ole Tussauds - the historical section.  Many may prefer the celeb section, but really, it's here where you can let loose with the fun:

Look at Oscar Wilde's face - what else could he possibly be thinking of?

I think Pavarotti knows I went as him last year for Halloween, so he feels he can be that much more touchy feely.  Filthy goddam Italian.

Dictator love in the house!

Saddam and Chantal, Spring Break 2008. We'll always have the memories, honey!xx

And finally, my favorite picture of the day:

So there you have it!  How to have real fun on a day out. You're welcome!

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