Thursday, September 18, 2008

The 10s

10 Rules of People:

1. You can accurately gauge a girl's maturity by their response to Winona Ryder's decision in Reality Bites. Yes to choosing Troy (Ethan Hawke) = immature. Yes to choosing Michael (Ben Stiller) = Mature.
2. Women with bells on their anklet/hem of their skirt are idiots. No exception.
3. Yes periods are a pain and they get worse with age and we all know that if men got periods, tampons et al. would be free etc. - but they are not THAT bad. Guys? Don't let the bitch get away with murder...
4. The only people who believe that oft-repeated lie that kids are only mean to other kids, "because they're jealous" are desperate (and in denial) parents of fat/ugly/stupid/geeky kids. I remember the kids at school who were made fun of and 9 times out of 10, the taunts were true. Kids aren't jealous, they're brutally honest.
5. Women like men who like "real women".
6. Friends don't use friends' laptops to jerk off to porn (you know who you are!).
7. How people look when in great pain is exactly how they look during orgasm. (Sub-consciously this is why little boys hit girls they like in the playground - they want a sneak preview)
8. Contrary to nearly every film with even one scene in a high school, girls do not prance around the locker room in their underwear/in the nude. Sorry.
9. Every city in America has a "point" where teenagers go to make-out. Every city has a girl named Tiffany who lost her virginity there.
10. Any woman over the age of 20 who claims never to have masturbated is lying to you.

10 Rules of Nando's:

1. Though you may use a knife and fork, you will not manage an entire meal without getting your fingers dirty. If you do, you will find this greatly reduces your enjoyment of the meal.
2. You will spend at least 2 % your meal-time reading the history of peri-peri sauce from the wall/menu.
3. A significant portion of the patrons will be ethnic minorities; for a short while this will give you the impression of being on holiday in an exotic location.
4. You must at least try the Extra Hot sauce.
5. Having built up this Extra Hot sauce to be liquid fire in a glass bottle, you will no doubt be somewhat let down by it's piquancy, no matter how mild your taste buds.
6. The only real dessert to have is the bottomless frozen yogurt. As much ice cream as you want AND it's all fat free!
7. It is quite simply rude not to have at least one corn on the cob on your table.
8. Though the restaurant will always look crowded, you will find it surprisingly easy to get a seat.
9. The meal should never take you longer than 45 minutes from placing your order to the last bite.
10. If it's your first time, you will be perpetually surprised by how tasty everything is and wonder quite how you managed without this food before. Due to this enjoyment, you will somehow manage to convince yourself that the food is healthy, thus justifying returning visits.

10 Rules of At-Home Cocktail Preparation:

1. If there are at least 3 boys under the age of 35 in the room, within 2.5 minutes of announcing one is going to make cocktails, someone will have cracked a joke involving the words "cock" and "tail" used as sexual derogatory terms.
2. Always remember the ice. If possible, put the ice in first to prevent that awkward moment wherein you realize there isn't enough room for said ice in the glass.
3. Spending money on glassware is not only a lasting investment, it also means you can scrimp on the quality of liquor. Even store-brand Gin tastes like Tanqueray if it's consumed from sparkling crystal. Conversely, even a vintage Dom Perignon tastes like shit out of a plastic cup.
4. If you are without a proper measuring tool, a good rule of thumb is thus - when using Coke as a mixer, if you can't see through the drink, there isn't enough liquor (regardless of what liquor is being used) .
5. It is recommended you acquire and make use of a jug to avoid constant trips to the kitchen for re-fills. This can also have the added affect of giving the illusion you are in a tikka bar on vacation.
6. When you go out, anything less than a quadruple shot will taste significantly weaker than what you drink at home. Rather than forcing a perhaps overdue evaluation of your drinking habits, this will simply encourage you to go home at the earliest opportunity.
7. Under no circumstances should you attempt emulation of Tom Cruise's character in Cocktail. If you are with someone who tries this, exit immediately.
8. Yes to straws, always (gets alcohol to system quicker; doesn't smudge lipstick). Double yes to novelty twist straws. No to useless plastic mixing sticks.
9. Ensure either yourself or your drinking partner is good at refilling the ice tray. There is little more discouraging than eagerly opening a freezer to 3 empty ice trays.
10. Combining every liquor and mixer you have in one drink is not a "home-made Long Island ice tea", it's pre-consumed puke.

10 Rules of Bands:

1. Any wife/girlfriend of a band member will forever be described in print as "long-suffering".
2. The lead guitarist and lead singer will likely be in a constant battle for sexual popularity and critical praise.
3. At least one member of the band will form a side project in which he/she will produce music at the opposite of the musical spectrum to the band. He/she will release said side project on a small independently owned label perhaps under a pseudonym depending on the size of his/her ego.
4. No one will refer to the drummer as a "musician" in all seriousness.
5. At least 2 members will have a substance abuse problem. You will only know about one of them.
6. The level of popularity for a mid-level band is directly proportional to the amount of Japanese female fans they have.
7. Every band member is merely a variation of one of the following personality types: tortured genius or party animal. That is it.
8. The lothario of the band is ultimately the least-satisfying in bed. Screwing a different 17 year-old groupie every night does not a good lover make. Hence - Charlie Watts is a much better lay than Gene Simmons.
9. Any band wishing to move into a "drastically new musical direction" is exactly 1.5 albums away from breaking up.
10. Back stage is never as exciting as you think it will be. And no matter what, you will get corralled into some sort of help.

10 Rules of Musical Taste:

1. Anyone who says they "like all music" has no musical taste.
2. You will never like a band more than the one you liked when you were 14. No matter what you discover afterwards, this will remain, in your heart of hearts, your favorite band forever.
3. If when asked to name their 5 favorite bands, someone names 5 bands you have never heard of - they are desperately trying to impress you. Be flattered.
4. It is near impossible to find someone in a popular up-and-coming band who will admit to sincerely liking the music he/she is making. Needless self-deprecation is the true currency of the music world.
5. If you are between the ages of 17-23 and "into music" it is your duty to put down the NME as often as possible.
6. Red Hot Chili Peppers is officially the most unpopular band among 18-25 year-old hipsters. There is no-one who likes this band even ironically (which is really how most music is consumed amongst this demographic in any case. I think the last band people earnestly liked was Led Zeppelin).
7. Deny all you want, none of you had Bleach before Nevermind.
8. Once someone reaches 40, it is no longer acceptable to be defined by one's musical tastes.
9. To be one of the hip kids, you must avoid mainstream like the plague, with 2 exceptions: The ironic enjoyment of mainstream (i.e. art students buying High School Musical albums) and the ultra mainstream which is so basic it becomes profound (ie Call on Me by Eric Prize)
10. If you have any intelligence, you'll realize that when it comes down to it, someone else's taste in music is arbitrary and really won't tell you a damn thing about them as a person.

10 Non-existent Ailments/Problems/"Facts" Completely Made Up by Advertisers:

1. Underarm skin is parched and needs moisturizing (despite the enormous concentration of sweat glands providing constant wetness all day; the wetness, in fact, that this deodorant was initially intended to curb...) (Dove deodorant)
2. Having to turn windshield wipers on is far too stressful for the average driver, therefore the car should know when it starts to rain and perform this difficult task for us. (Mercedes)
3. No human ever actually likes vegetables, if they are to be eaten they must be hidden in something else so we don't know we're consuming them because they are all disgusting. (Every diet company ever)
4. Having to re-apply lipstick is an earth-shatteringly difficult chore women can't possibly fit into their busy schedules. (Max Factor,Revlon, Cover Girl - any company manufacturing long-wear lipstick)
5. All women over 45 want cosmetic surgery (espesh Botox!!) and there is nothing worse to a woman than wrinkles and age (Loreal Age Defy/Garnier)
6. The inside of a toilet bowl must be sanitary, even though no part of the human body ever touches it (Toilet Duck)
7. The ability to reach the tops of kitchen cabinets to clean is of utmost importance to mothers nationwide (any extending mop manufacturer)
8. Kitchen towels that can't hold the weight of fruit when wet are utterly useless (Bounty)
9. The death of moronic teenagers whose only ambition in life is to be a famous pop star and live in a big house or make vin diesel-esque action films and who can't manage to cross a fucking road without getting hit by a car is not only a loss to society as a whole but somehow not their fault (rather than being natural selection...) (
10. Toilet paper must be as soft as cashmere, absorbent as sponge and bouncy as rubber to actually work. (Andrex/Charmin etc)

10 Things I've Argued About:

1. Whether one can drive through Russia.
2. If the kids in Breakfast Club remained friends come Monday morning.
3. Whether the moon landing really happened.
4. Capital and corporal punishment.
5. The existence of bisexuals.
6. Whether a girl is a slut for sleeping with a guy the first night.
7. How much I offended someone the night before.
8. If it's wrong to judge someone based on their appearance.
9. If the guy should pay for everything.
10. Whether someone can be intelligent and religious simultaneously.

10 Things I Thought of Doing, Didn't, But Later Wish I Had:

1. Moved to Los Angeles after University.
2. Told my step-mother what really happened.
3. Been taught everything about cars from my father.
4. Learned domestic duties (cooking/sewing etc) from my mother
5. Told my brother immediately about taking step-mother's car and crashing it when I was 13
6. Ended relationships as soon as I knew they were over and doomed (this goes for every single relationship I've ever been in, bar one).
7. Lied about our belongings on the insurance claim form.
8. Kissed Graham Bosworth at his high school graduation when I was 16
9. Yelled at that shitty flight attendant and mentioned my father being a captain of the airline.
10. Gone back to New Orleans sooner

10 Favorite Public Scares:

1. Petrol Crisis
2. Mad cow disease
3. Bird Flu
4. Africanized Bees
5. Anthrax (the poison and the band)
6. Judgement Day
7. Y2K
8. War of the Worlds
9. H bomb
10. Michael Jackson

10 Favorite "Which would you pick if you had to keep one and lose the other?" Questions:

1. Peanut Butter or Aerosmith? (Incidentally, this is the hardest question I've ever asked myself. I genuinely still can't answer it)
2. Pencils or Hawaii?
3. The internet or Tuesdays?
4. The ability to hear David Bowie or the ability to see Angelina Jolie?
5. Season one of the O.C. or the chaos theory?
6. Rubber ice trays or retractable cables on vacuum cleaners?
7. Hanging flower baskets or car air fresheners?
8. The sound of laughter or the memory of yourself ages 8-15?
9. Salt or blue ink?
10. Golf courses or haircuts?

10 Things I Genuinely Don't Like Which I'm Fairly Sure I Should:

1. The Big Lebowski
2. Making new friends
3. The majority of Blur's output.
4. The film and music work of Bjork.
5. Discussing music/film with someone who knows more about it than you so they can "teach you"
6. The Dark Knight
7. Hearing about someone else's day.
8. Bumping into friends unexpectedly in the street.
9. The faux-inclusive, my-first-feminism, eye-roll inducing, rudimentary ideals of Caitlin Moran
10. Not making plans and just going with the flow

9 Types of Heavy Drinkers (according to the Department of Health in England - with number 10 provided by yours truly)

1. Depressed drinker
2. De-stress drinker
3. Re-bonding drinker
4. Conformist drinker
5. Community drinker
6. Boredom drinker
7. Macho drinker
8. Hedonistic drinker
9. Border dependents

I encourage you to make lists of 10s. Any suggestions for further 10 lists would be greatly appreciated.