Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Dreams that Glitter - Girls Aloud Should Look Fitter

This is the cover of Sunday's Observer magazine, in which they made the otherwise attractive quintuplet of hardbodies in Girls Aloud look like before pictures for a drag queen makeup lesson:



At first glance you may foolishly think that the girls don't look too shabby - but take a closer look and you'll be struck with all the fug. Firstly, the cotton white dresses was a good idea, poorly put into practice. With the exception of Cheryl and Kimberly, the dresses do nothing for the girls, plus they've managed to make Nicola look 6 months pregnant and Nadine look as though she raided the closet of Madonna around the time of her "Music" video.
But the real travesty is their faces, a horror show of cosmetics. These are the kind of makeup nightmares one normally expects from a 13 year-old future single mother who thinks that copious face paint and blow-jobs makes one mature.
I've taken a closer look at them individually and offered suggestions for their girl-group afterlife based on these photos. Afterall, their shelf life can't be more than another couple years at the very most and no one wants to be the Mel C of the group...

Kimberly:


Look at Kimberly's eye makeup. Really check it out. Winehouse Wings of liquid eyeliner, applied with a paintbrush by the looks of it, that inexplicably stop half way up her eyelid; layer after sticky later of mascara weighing down the copious fake eyelashes; her eye-sockets endlessly circled in kohl to within an inch of their lives. Her eyelids probably weigh about 5lbs. each, hence why she looks like she's on ketamine. Plus - check out her Paris Hilton-lazy left eye!
Then there's the pursed lips which looks surly and awkward - and what's with the lower lip line? Rather than the classic lip-enlarging technique of penciling outside the lip-line, the make-up artist has attempted to spark a new trend of making one's lips look smaller by penciling inside the lip-line. EDGY.
Also - way too much shit in her hair, it essench looks unwashed and about 2 hours away from greaseville.

Post-Girls Aloud Career Option: Batiste Dry Shampoo spokesperson.



Nicola:




Contrary to popular thought, I don't think Nicola is terribly ugly. She's not pretty either, she's just average. Thin, but average. However, since embracing her pale skin and gorgeous hair color, she is looking the best she's looked in years which is why it's almost impressive how bad they've managed to make her look here. I could go into great detail, but the over-riding impression one gets from this photo is that her face is melting. It's as though there's a landslide of skin happening on her face, everything is in downturn - including erections the world over when faced with this photo.

Post-Girls Aloud Career Option: Pioneer of controversial abstinence program "Misery Guts - Not Sluts", which promotes looking depressed and slightly Downs in order to prevent unwanted attention from the opposite sex.


Nadine:



Clearly the most offensive. There's so many things wrong with her eye area, the liquid eyeliner (AGAIN) - all over the shop, caked on, over-powering - seriously did they just let a 5-year-old ADHD kid roll around in tar and then punch each girl in the eyes?? It looks as though she slept in last night's makeup, then half-heartedly tried to freshen up in the morning, bleary-eyed and hungover. The "beauty" team has seemingly attempted to cover up this gaffe with her hair, getting as much of it a possible to cover her eyes. Alas this has caused her to squint uncomfortably, thus further emphasizing the eye-shrinking quality of all the black shit. This combined with her bizarre pout/snarl lip positioning results in an over-whelming expression of constipation. She needs to study pictures of Debbie Harry and Ellen Barkin - women who know how to pull off this look without looking backed up.

Post-Girls Aloud Career Option: ExLax spokesperson, all the promotional photography has been done for them!


Sarah:



Remember when Sarah looked sorta the same age as the other girls in the group? Well, these days...put it this way: if Girls Aloud were Sex and the City, she'd be Samantha Jones. She's the Madonna to the other girls' Miley Cyrus. The O.C. to their Gossip Girl. The Naomi to their Tyra. Simply put - girlfriend's looking OLD and dated. It's something to do with the hair; while on other girls it can look young and hip, on Sarah it gives her a unshakable mid-30's woman circa 1990 feel. She can't seem to pull off that hair without resembling Chyna Philips, a Melrose Place extra or a woman in an advert for tampons.
P.s. - Having said that, she is the only one to have gotten the eyeliner looking perfect...on one eye that is. Notice how her left eye looks perfect and her right eye looks like the tar-covered 5 year-old knocked her one as well? Jeez Sarah, you've had like a decade longer than the others to perfect this shit....

Post-Girls Aloud Career Option: Leader of BananaRama tribute band


Cheryl:



And then of course we have Cheryl. Dear, lovely Cheryl. Showing the other girls how it's done. Although she hardly looks drop dead here, she certainly looks the best out of the lot, having seemingly avoided using the same makeup "artist". She's the only one of the girls to portray a warm facial expression (almost a smile!) and you can almost see her eyeballs, which judging by this photo, is more difficult than you'd think. She is arguably the best looking in the group, certainly the most famous and easily the most likely to go Beyoncé on the other girls and get down with a solo career. She also has the best shot of breaking America (even despite Nadine living in L.A.) having already worked with that Will.I.Am chap. She could SO fill Fergie's shoes....

Post-Girls Aloud Career Option: Victoria Beckham (except attractive, young and talented)


Go forth and prosper ladies!



(and never do a photo shoot for Observer again)







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9 comments:

Jade said...

look at this...
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1068930/Spotty-birthday-girl-Nicola-Roberts-nearly-loses-dress-heavy-night-out.html

Chantal said...

Gotta say in the bottom right picture of that link, she's looking pretty banging...

sailorette said...

YES. So glad you wrote about this. I stared at the cover of this on Sunday just going OH MY GOD they look terrible..PLUS you are right about Sarah, girl has aaaaagggged!

Chantal said...

Srsly - she should try out for desperate housewives or something, she makes the redhead from Pussycat Dolls look young, and that takes some doing...

camille said...

I can’t believe the do the cover of the observer magazine AGAIN! Were they not on it a few months ago, all dressed like rock chicks ? That did annoy me but at least they looked hot. agreed for sarah. she was the hottest back then. she might do a britney though. let's wait and see....

Amy May said...

We were looking at this in our Feature Writing class yesterday - I do Fashion Journalism at LCF - and the article is even worse than the pictures. It has the same crappy talking-to-your-girlfriends feel as something like Marie Claire, only poorly written with unchecked facts. (Kimberly is from Bradford. Not Birmingham.) The whole thing pains me, really.

P.S. Nicola is banging.

Chantal said...

I wouldn't say Nicola is banging, at least not consistently, but how she gets known as the rough one with flat-face Nadine in the group is a mystery to me.

And I KNOW about the article itself! I could've written an entire separate entry on that alone, but I couldn't imagine where to start...

Tobias Revell said...

I still would actually. I don't care how that makes me sound.

stm said...

I'd still blast my load up all their rats though. Make up or no make up. I reckon I'd probably have to go balls deep in Cheryl too...